Finally and for the first time, I – am – mobbed! Now and here! Right in my working environment.
One can’t prove and reveal this sneaky treatment that is meticulously hidden behind a gooey smile. But can eminently feel; do feel, which is enough to be hell real in one’s life.
I wasn’t offended and wasn’t defensive either, because I didn’t think I was vulnerable. It’s been almost 30 years I’ve been told to stay strong and even to ignore if things were really unbearable.
I think my reaction was no more than what I was told to do. I kept ignorant for a while until I felt the dagger on my sweating neck. Then I pretended to be ignorant. And then I tried to look ignorant. Finally and let’s say in a couple of seconds, I’ve realized that I was giving a lot damn to all, staying ignorant instead.
And, how did this happen to me then?
In my working environment, I notice that people need jokes only when they are preparing to disclose the truth (their true feelings, opinion or whatever the truth might be). They are simply unable to criticise within solemnity and sincerity. Without jokes, they remain silent. Their sneaky jokes are the golden keys to doors of otherization. They love to otherize! This is their daily small habbit for fun.
When I was a child, I was a real dreamer as it springs out from the childhood nature. In practice of these dreams, I was becoming a strict realist, aware of the feasibility and boundaries of each. However, I liked pushing the boundaries further and had no fear to risk even my life.
Affording to risk one self’s life encourages a mental distance and freedom as a matter of course, leading to prominence and recognition. The distance enables you to keep far enough to make neutral observations about things and life over people’s experiences. I wasn’t falling, I wasn’t failing very often since my observation of life looked like a set of events and behaviours in slow motion, giving me a lot of time and chance to learn without self-damage. Others’ failures and accidents taught me how further I can/must go.
Have prominence and recognition really helped me? Have my ideas walking around the edges made my life easier? How about the sensitivity and my deep interest in people’s life (with all good and bad)?
I found out that my becoming the “other” is not because I was differing, but simply because most of the people were similar. They found being similar to each other safe and comfortable. They never like being similar until they meet the different. Meeting the different unites all the similars.
This is exactly what is happening to me in my working environment these days. My distance together with my silence unite the rest and they start thinking what kind of fun can be extracted from this union. There is no fun of being similar at all, no new jokes either. Then? Let’s seek something, someone different! And here the mobbing begins!
Under this strong skin, I feel very fragile, almost ready to be smashed into tiny pieces if they continue their truth seeking jokes. Since this is the first time I am mobbed, I have no idea about my lines and future reactions.
Will I start crying at some point?
Will I scream and slam the doors before I walk away?
Will I really just walk away?
If I decide to struggle, what will be my weapon then? Their words? Their daggers?
My words seem too naive and quiet to fight theirs.
Perhaps I should just let this self-control away and wait for ‘the moment’ where they will possibly stab the daggers in the right place to reach the target or whatever they call “fun”.