when not made of similar elements 

Two pm. This giant ball of mostly hydrogen and helium is once again hanging on top, burning the soil, challenging me, dragging me to think whether i should take its regular appearance as an ‘ordinary’ thing or unusual enough to say there’s nothing we can call ordinary in the universe. 

Two past two. I left the house in anger, in guilt and shame this morning. Left it for a little bit of silence and loneliness. Sorry, no; for ‘lone-ness’.

The banishment took too long. Now it brings sleepless nights as one eye watching the spinning wings of the ventilator while the other closed to everything. 

I don’t sleep these days. My body developed a kind of resistance. It’s only when i see the pale light of daybreak. There i miss the moments of my child waking up, sneaking into the kitchen, picking a slice of bread and enjoying it with jam in front of the Tv. I miss all these, as well as my alarm which is set every night to yell into my ear in the morning. I neither hear the family getting up nor the tray of plates and cutlery carried in and out.

And that’s how it started today. I woke to my father’s sudden roar “You’re looooosing your child by doing thisssss!”

It was rather my dead body being brought up to life in an insane way, by an insane voice, with an unrecognizable tone. I didn’t have time to think, to consider, to evaluate or to analyze. I even don’t remember how i jumped off from the bed, and how the bedroom door threw me up to the kitchen. Who reached first to the living room?  My head? My legs? How did all come together to form me again?

I closed my eyes, standing in front of all and cried out loud on top of my voice, with tears in my eyes and with a firestorm running up from my stomach as i barely forced my daggers become words.  “I CANNOT SLEEEEEEEEEPP!!!! AND NOBODY ON EARTH CAN ROAR TO MEEEE!!!!”

There was a deep silence, a kind of intense silence with its enormous feet banging inside us at each step. There, i wasn’t a mother, i wasn’t anyone’s child or a daughter, any lover or a friend for a while. I was nothing we could define. But i was familiar to myself. I, there, in fact felt very close to myself, to my dearest heart, to the darkest neural pathways that led to my reality.

I grabbed my bag in anger – adressed to who exactly?-  and walked away in tears. I felt every tissue under my burning skin, beating the layers they were covered with, as if someone i trust more was about to crack them and come out.

I walked. I dived. We cannot bury ourselves alive, but still we can cover the sea-sheet on us, as long as our lungs allow. 

Two thirty. I was eighteen. Sitting in my professor’s room on top floor, thunders on the roof, staring into her eyes. Her soft voice stabs my soul because she’s telling me sincerely the truth about myself. Painful, yet i feel so much willingness to hear more…

“…you should be either the Sun or You – which is too solid, too an undiscoverable, too a non-observable planet, giving us no clue to estimate the next steps. Will you explode and form something new? Will you fade, melt and disappear? Should we invest on your skills or forget about your existence? 

The sun though burns everyday there Deniz, with all its elements we know, we’re aware of and we sometimes welcome, sometimes complain, but always accept and estimate its tomorrow.”

Apparently and obviously i wasn’t the Sun. She and all the others never knew what and how to do with me. I was just not aware of this. Instead of being the Sun which is sometimes battled, sometimes thanked, i happened to be a closed system, sticking to do everything within worldwide standards, universal criterias, properly, and mostly denying the opposite dynamics kicking upwards from my core.

More upsetting is, realizing that people trust you not because of your estimated, commonly expected and appreciated behaviours but because the distance they see between you and them forces them to develop an instinctive or preferable  alliance to this ‘unknown’. Because it’s safer to stretch a friendly hand to the unknown. This is the good manner, an intentional security precaution of human being, or being a ‘human’.

Two forty. Sad though, i’m not willing to be the Sun. My nature doesn’t consist similar elements. And i cannot afford now to try to change my nature. Soon this banishment ends and i return to my natural quarter where i have the freedom of ghostly night orbits around my living room, my kitchen for a film, a book, a drink with a cigarette in my space. These ‘lone’ activities will once again become my little windows to the fresh air. 

And this letter is the patch to fill and close the crack that opened this morning. No more future leakage. Some of us can’t be the Sun, simple. 

Reklamlar

Var mı ki yokluğun? 

​Beş, ama sabaha karşı beş, 

Bir şarkı göndermiş 

Bir dalga boyu bu aramızdaki, 

Kesintisiz bir koridor, bir hava kolonu

Aldığım nefes her neyden yoksunsa o an, bir sonraki nefesime katabileyim diye tamamlayıp eksiği gediği, gönderiveriyor  kuzeydeki şehrinden 

İnsan  böyle tamamlanınca aniden,

Gülümsemesi de oturunca yüzüne geniş ve kendiliğinden, 

Treniydi, uçağıydi, yoluydu, yolcusuydu balon gibi sönüyor, eriyor mumu zamanın. 

Sanki her verdiği solukta öpüyor, kokluyor,

Ve şehir sokaklarının ismi o geçtikçe birer birer “seni seviyorum”a dönüşüyor 

Yokluğu -ki varsa eğer yokluğu, çünkü havada, suda ve eşyadadır o – insan gibi insan olan bu kadın,

Bir tek o baktığında kadın, o öptüğünde  aşık kadın, o seviştiğinde  orospu ve hanım. 

Yalnızca o acıktığında   güzel benim baş belası mutfağım. 

Geographical Condemnations

You’re on the couch.

Sitting curved. The late summer breeze is turning into a wind. You close your eyes, feel the change how it gets stronger each minute.

You speak almost four languages, you’ve lived in several countries. You’re non religious. You’re not living on your sub-ID’s. You don’t have ideological and political obsessions. You’re a good mother. You’re not moody, not stressed, not depressed, not melancholic, not down, not bad, not furious, not a revolutionist but an evolutionist, you’re brave, you’re free.

Free?

You have skills, you have experience, you have courage to make a living at any place, in any culture. You can learn anything that comes up onto your way.

And you’re not free to go, not free to run, not free to start wherever you wish to start.

Because the geography you were born into is your ID, standing on top of your skills, on top of your languages, experience,  ambitions and your freedom. You’re free whenever your geography is free.

That’s it.

Now go to sleep, wake up in your village, make peace with your reality and wait…
Hands and legs tied.

Breathe held.

Heart paused.

Blood stucked.

Your CV never talks as much as your origins do. Your intentions and open mind never mean to mean as much as your nationality.

Close the world map.

Step back.

Sit back.

Curved.

On your couch.

His departure

He went.

It happens first time this way.

Can one feel closer when the other departs?

Yes she can, this time, at this moment, right now she can.

He went. Further in distance, closer in heart.

Some goodbyes make you smile.

Damn! He always makes me smile.

A birthday letter

Yes my dear, now the roads are clear ahead of you to that hill so start climbing and reach the cloud 9.

Reach the heights that are not too high blurring your sight, and reach the heigts that are not too low to hide any part of this complete view from your sight. 

Reach the right altitude to have the right attitude. 

Do not ever lose your strength because it’s nothing yet you’ve gone through so far, 

Do not ever drop your courage down from the cliff because you cannot catch it back when it’s beneath your feet,

Do not spill your dreams around, you cannot collect them back when they hit the ground.

Walk slow and safe my dearest one, and remember we’ve been always proud.

The Gauge of Parental Life

Having a child is like installing a gauge paralleled to every decision and action of your life.

If you’re choosing the relatively right path, your gauge displays “all is good” indication on your life monitor. 

If you’re in between, weak or taking unpleasant steps, the gauge alarms you and indicates the level of how critical it is, it might happen to be.

Your child will reflect the consequences of all your decisions and intentions by immediate symptoms.

Gift of the nature …

His warm picture

It was one of our most relieving conversations that night and i was once again making the best effort i could to define the way(s) i was feeling for him.
I could have spent less effort and yet again he would understand.
I’ve finally discovered that it’s neither my definitions nor efforts, but it’s mostly his sincerest willingness to understand me.
A simple glimpse of a milisecond would already mean what it had to mean to him as long as he was willing to reveal what was leaking from my soul.

Was i drunk that night?
Sober?
Too tired?
Perhaps all?

I simply said that I’d walked all the way to stand in front of him with nothing to disguise and said i wanted to stay where i stood in that picture then.
I just want to keep that little place as long as he wishes so.
He perfectly knew that i had no selfish intention to become superior to the rest of his colors he had gently placed in recent years, but just be one of them, an ordinary one that never needed to have significance.

I admitted that i was at the limits of my language capability,  the obvious lack of vocabulary was killing me, panicking as if i would fail to stand in front of him if i did not express myself efficiently.
He was….as he was mostly… relieving.
Gently patting my neurons with appreciation. That they were doing well.
His one breathe was enough to comfort me at the end of the line.

For the first time in my life, i felt that precious luxury of being fully understood.
And i fell for him.
One billionth time i did.
I felt deeply secured and complete.
This is unique.
Nothing compares to this state of mind.
This is simply harmony.